27 October 2004 * 18:09
I don't know if I am just having mood seings that are from the bipolar, from being a girl, or from being a fat girl on a diet, but I am irritable today. And tired. I canceled Kaylee's dentist appointment. Well, she is going tomorrow. I did laundry and cleaned house, and cleaned the yard today. There still needsa to be some stuff done in the yard, but it is mostly clean.
I don't know why I can't get stuff with William off my mind. I keep writing him letters and not sneding them to him. I have yet to tell him how bad he hurt me with this Rachel thing. I guess I think I shouldn't put more stress on him. But he shouldn't put more on me either. My God, I am here raising two kids alone wondering if their Daddy is ever coming back. And while I am worrying he is e-mailing his ex. GRR! Why am I not over this? Why am I holding a grudge? I guess because he never apologized. He never, either time, acted like he did anything wrong. He only apologized the first time because he had to. I wouldn't let up. It wasn't real. I swear, this is messing with me for some reason. I guess I just want to feel normal and comfortable with every aspect of my life. I am not comfortable in my marriage because I have no idea what is going on in my husband's mind. I doubt his love for me. I don't trust him. I am working on everything else. I am taking care of my dental problems, my weight problem, my mood disorder, but I am stuck with the marital part. And advice?
Well, guess I will go finish laundry so I will have something comfy to wear tomorrow.
Stef
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