26 October 2004 * 17:44
So William called me at 01:30 this morning. He seems weird. He starts going off base soon. He doesn't seem pleased with me taking care of myself. I guess if he has a fat ugly and crazy wife at home he doesn't have to worry about her being stolen away. But I want to feel good about myself and look good, so I am doing it. He bought the Blazer for himself. Selfish bastard. We were looking for me a car. So am I the only wife who wonders why she is still married? Am I the only one who wonders if her husband really loves her? He is supposedly doing double shifts so some of the guys can rest who were making stupid mistakes. I don't know if I believe him. It is sad I never know when he is being truthful. Sometimes I think I can go on without him just fine. Sometimes I feel like I am going to die without him here. Sometimes I think I don't need him. Sometimes I think I need his money. I know it is awful stuff, but these thoughts cross my mind. Am I the only one? He doesn't do anything really nice for me. He doesn't bother to call except every couple of weeks when his platoon members call/e-mail their wives at least every other day. Me and the girls each got one letter from him. He seemed like he didn't even want to talk to me last night. Now I see some wives' reasons for cheating. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't do it, but I can see why they would. We sit here waiting and doing what a good wife should for nothing. He complains he doesn't get enough mail but he doesn't write. You get what you put out. I try to take care of him as best I can while he is there, and he complains about having too much of this and not enough of that. IT IS FREAKING WAR, YOU ARE A MARINE, GET OVER IT!!!!! I swear. I am frustrated. I am sick of all this emotional crap. I wish I could see the future and know where things are going with us.
Anyway, my Tupperware party is Saturday. YAY! I asked Amanda to ask Chris if he would rake up the trah in my yard where the dogs got the trash. She said she would ask him. I hope he will before the party. I have cleaned it up but there seems to be more coming from somewhere. Maybe Molly has found a way to get into it. Makana is locked up. I will be glad when Molly is too big to fit through the fence.
I guess I will go. I am tired.
Stef
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