29 August 2004 * 18:26
I just added to the e-mail. Feel free to read it all :)
What is it about being away from me that makes you contact Rachel? I sit here day in and day out and worry about you and just wait to the point of going crazy to hear from you, and you are e-mailing Rachel. Did I not make it clear when this happened before that I DO NOT LIKE IT?! What would you do if I was e-mailing ex boyfriends? You would have a heart attack if I even said hello to someone I used to date. I sit here and think I must have done something wrong. But I haven't. I have been supportive and I have been good and faithful and all that shit, but still you go behind my back. By the way, Rachel sent me the e-mail and she said as she promised me before she would not be in contact with you. That is sad that she is doing the right thing when she isn't the one who made vows. You can forget the fucking laptop. I can imagine what you would do with it. Porn, e-mail Rachel some more...what else? Anyone else you talk to that I should worry about? You know that it hurts me when you do this, and here I am very vulnerable and emotional and you do it again. I really thought that we were doing good and things were going to be great for us. But you had to fuck it up by going behind my back and e-mailing her. Don't you dare say that I don't trust you, because even though this all happened when you were in 29 Palms, I moved on. I put it behind me. I figured it was a bump in the road you knew I was hurt, and you weren't going to do it again. Well, wasn't I stupid? What makes you go to her? Why? Is it some part of you that thinks there could be something there with her? I can assure you she thinks you are a liar and a piece of shit. If there is something in you that doesn't want to be married, then you either need to fix it or divorce me, because I won't put up with this shit William. This is strike 2 for you. The 3rd is it. You may think it is no big deal, just a stupid e-mail. To me it a big fat lie because you hid it. Don't give me the shit about wondering about her grandma, you have one and I have one who are both not doing well, and you don't ask about them. I will not sit here and be made a fool of. I thought while you were there and missing us (if you do) would make you realize what you had even more. Guess not. Obviously it made you want to be single again or something. We can arrange that if that is what you want. It is pretty easy. And I am 100% serious. I won't keep getting hurt by you. You of all people are the one I am supposed to depend on for security and love. I just want your reasons. Why do you do it? And tell me the truth. You might as well. I will have 7 or 8 months to calm down before I see you again. If I think you aren't being honest, I am cutting off ties with you and we will just have to deal with this shit when you get back. I have a package I am sending you with stuff for you to send your daughters back. And I sent some letters out the other day. They will be the last if you don't tell me what I think is the truth. I won't answer the phone, and I won't order your shit you want. I am not here merely to be your secretary and mother of your children. I have needs and I deserve to have them met just like you do. Do you even love me as more than the woman who bore your children? If you do, then you really need to sit back and think about this crap. It really does cause me a lot of pain. I am sick of pain, and if I feel it is something I will have to endure all the time I am with you, then I will want out. So what is it? Do you love me? Why did you do this again, when Rachel made it clear before that she hates you? We talked about this crap the 1st time and you were supposed to be making an effort to prove you love me more. That didn't happen either. I thought when you cried the day I was leaving California that it meant something...that you loved me a lot more than I realized. I was thrilled, and that was when I was finally able to let go of that grudge about the 1st Rachel incident. And what do you know, she is right back in the middle. Obviously I am very angry and hurt since I keep saying it and I keep talking. You really need to explain yourself to me.
That was the end. I am always having to compete in some way or another, and my marriage shouldn't be a place of competition. I stayed with Jeff for a year while he complained about Gina and wanted me to be like her. Now William is stuck in the past. I guess I bring out the worst in people. I should have just been a lesbian when they were trying to get me to convert before I dated William. Boys suck.
<< Earlier * Later >>
