29 August 2004 * 11:33
He e-mailed Rachel from Iraq. All it said was hi and he asked how her and her family were doing. The point is he went behind my back and did it. I sent him an e-mail, subject line: What the hell?
What is it about being away from me that makes you contact Rachel? I sit here day in and day out and worry about you and just wait to the point of going crazy to hear from you, and you are e-mailing Rachel. Did I not make it clear when this happened before that I DO NOT LIKE IT?! What would you do if I was e-mailing ex boyfriends? You would have a heart attack if I even said hello to someone I used to date. I sit here and think I must have done something wrong. But I haven't. I have been supportive and I have been good and faithful and all that shit, but still you go behind my back. By the way, Rachel sent me the e-mail and she said as she promised me before she would not be in contact with you. That is sad that she is doing the right thing when she isn't the one who made vows. You can forget the fucking lap top. I can imagine what you would do with it. Porn, e-mail Rachel some more...what else? Anyone else you talk to that I should worry about? You know that it hurts me when you do this, and here I am very vulnerable and emotional and you do it again. I really thought that we were doing good and things were going to be great for us. But you had to fuck it up by going behind my back and e-mailing her. Don't you dare say that I don't trust you, because even though this all happened when you were in 29 Palms, I moved on. I put it behind me. I figured it was a bump in the road you knew I was hurt, and you weren't going to do it again. Well, wasn't I stupid? What makes you go to her? Why?
That is it. I haven't done anything to deserve being lied to. I may be a pain in the butt, but I treat him right. I love him. Not right now I don't, but I did. I am so sick of this shit. I am tired of always being hurt. It isn't worth it. I know it was just a hramless e-mail but the fact is he is trying to be sneaky. I am not sending him anything else. I will only e-mail him when he responds about this. Let him know what it is like to wonder where you stand in a relationship. Let him wonder if I am moving on. Let him feel alone and sad. I don't care where he is and if he is in danger every day. He brought it on himself. I am so sick of always feeling like I am not good enough. Just when I am getting over that he does this.
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