01 August 2004 * 15:30
Now we all know how insane my Dad is and how he can never stick with a decision. He told Mom Friday night we could borrow $200. I called and told him nevermind. Then I wrote him and asked him if he would still keep the offer open just in case the back pay doesn't come. I really beleive it will come, but I am just nervous after all this crap. I thought he would keep the offer open since it has been just 2 days. What the hell was I thinking??? He can't keep with anything for longer than 3 seconds. I outlined the pay day coming up and made sure he realized I would get the money back to him in a timely manner. I should have things caught up this month. I still owe him for last month. The only reason he helped is because it is in his name. Otherwise he would let me live with no power and water. OK, here is the e-mail he sent back:
stephanie,this will have novel like proportions as well. get comfortable. relax as much as you can to read this (like a book youve been wanting to read for a long time).
today as i right this to you i am removing all emotions from my mind,soul,spirit and body. this is being written to you in vulcan like logic. yes,i know thats merely a tv scripted show but it has a lot of merit.
tough love is sometimes needed and is the best thing a father can do for his children.today i begin tough love.
i begin by quoting a remark made to me that "i am treating your sister different than i treat you".
i thought this ludicris at first. i love you both and could not possibly be treating you different. the last two days as i ponder my fincial situation i find that i am treating you both differently. i have been making your rent payments,your electrical bill payments,and your water bill payments. i have loaned you money to get williams union dues initialized,etc.
in the last three months the talley is 350+350+145+49+159....you do the math.this is off the top of my head without research. last year it was well over $2500,again off the top of my head without going back to my notes.
i have not done this for your sister. she has come up on the short end of the stick many times.
so today ive got to treat you both the same. if i make your house payment,utilities and etc.,i need to make hers. i cannot afford to do this so i have to stop making yours.
as of the 16th,one day after your check you will need to go make a deposit at the power company and the water company. my name will be removed from them both on that day.you will still be responsible for payment of those bills that are left in my name untill that point.
as of the first of next month a for sale sign will go up in front of the house. the for sale sign will only be removed if rent is caught up.
i am not trying to make anything hard for anyone. i have alkways tried to make it easy at my expense.
it is time for you and william to become one. it is time for you to each hold each others hands (you can do this spiritually while he is gone) and walk through this jungle we call life. its a pretty neat trip and one that you must now take together with each other.there are lions and serpants,waterfalls and fruit trees. you stay away from one and enjoy the other.
i am not your financial institution.i am your dad.
i also want to remind you of something that was said to me when your mom filed for divorce and i became seperated from her......it was stated that it was the best thing for us. so i say to you...it is good for you to be seperated from william for a while. yes ,i know it is possible that he will not come back. some do not.
it is also possible that i will walk out my front door today never to return.we all have an appointment with our creator and we will not miss that appointment. he made it and it is enforced by him.
when learning to swim you just gotta throw some people in the water.
i do not have the $200 to loan you cause if i loan you the $200 i gotta loan your sister $200. no she never has ask to borrow any money ever,but if i hand you $200 i must hand her $200 and tell her to keep it till you pay me back.CANT DO THAT.
the house payment is due today therefore your rent is now 2 months past due.
if i make your rent,power,water and other bill payments i got to make hers. CANT DO THAT.
you must start paying your bills now. when william joined the military he knew the risk. you knew the risk...seperation from each other is one of the risk.
you have money coming in so you need to pay your bills. you and william are one,the bills belong to you both. ive heard "backpay" for three months. do something about it.
i love you. that is not in question here. the question is do you love me?
a person is not judged by what they say they will do, judgement is made on what they actually do. ACTION ALWAYS SPEAKS MUCH LOUDER THAN WORDS.
it is time stephanie,it is time for tough love.
sometimes we humans dance around something that we need to walk right through.we try to deceive ourselves and everyone else into believing things are a certain way when they are not.
there is no deception in this letter.no dancing,im walking right through it.
if you need to see me you know where i live. i cannot come to your house and visit. the allergy to cats is settling down again and i must not get near them.things really got bad after the scratch from luna. could have been coincidence,but i doubt it.
i have more to say,but you would not be able or willing to hear it at this time.
begin making your financial adjustments now because everything ive outlined will take place in order and on time.
love,
dad
Steven W. D iffy
My reply (I took his words directly to the e-mail and my comments underneath):
i begin by quoting a remark made to me that "i am treating your sister different than i treat you".
It has always been that way with everyone. We were both treated differently, good or bad, by not only you and Mom, but others as well. That is just the way it is. Obviously it was a comment made by someone counting up something thinking they deserved a pat on the back. Amanda and I don't keep up with things like that.
as of the 16th,one day after your check you will need to go make a deposit at the power company and the water company.
Already planned to. I want it in our names.
it is time for you and william to become one. it is time for you to each hold each others hands (you can do this spiritually while he is gone) and walk through this jungle we call life.
Just because you have helped us financially doesn't mean we haven't been walking through life. And being helped hasn't made it easier either believe it or not.
i also want to remind you of something that was said to me when your mom filed for divorce and i became seperated from her......it was stated that it was the best thing for us. so i say to you...it is good for you to be seperated from william for a while.
Do you remember the 6 months we were separated from October-April? You and Mom needed to be apart because you brought the worst out in each other. You were both much different and we hated you two. Think back on how Mom was...overbearing, wouldn't allow us to live our lives. Think of how you were...always mean and irritable and we never knew what to expect from one second to the next. We actually lived in fear of you then. Do you know that? It is NOT good for me and William because we have a union where we really depend on one another for things day to day. Separation is hard for us. Especially me with raising the kids all by myself.
you must start paying your bills now. when william joined the military he knew the risk. you knew the risk...seperation from each other is one of the risk.
Yes, a lot of people say things like that to military families. Knowing it is a possibility and going through it are 2 totally different things. No one but another military spouse can understand.
ive heard "backpay" for three months. do something about it.
Did you read the entire letter? It will be here Friday at the latest. I was just nervous about it and that is why I asked. I have called and e-mailed SgtMaj Anderson about this several times and that proves I AM doing something about it.
if you need to see me you know where i live. i cannot come to your house and visit. the allergy to cats is settling down again and i must not get near them.things really got bad after the scratch from luna. could have been coincidence,but i doubt it.
OK.
i have more to say,but you would not be able or willing to hear it at this time.
Might as well finish it while you can.
begin making your financial adjustments now because everything ive outlined will take place in order and on time.
OK.
You say whatever else you gotta say and we can get everything out in the open and done here. But be prepared, I will most likely be telling you stuff back and some of it might not be stuff you want to hear. Amanda and I have sat on so much stuff we have wanted to say for so long. Maybe we all need to just finally let it go and move on, since we are walking right through things and not dancing around it. But we will have to make sure we do it like we do things with Mom...we work on what we have been told we are doing wrong, we and never speak of it again. If there are hurt feelings, we get over them and just deal with everything we spoke of. No punishing each other or making each other feel bad for being honest.
OK people, I hate him. I don't love him. He has fucked up my life. I lived in fear of him almost every day of my life. He was abusive physically and really abusive emotionally. What normal kid takes every pill she can find in the house at age 15? He decided the day or day before I was to pay my 2nd semester of college with a partial scholarship, not to pay what I needed. All of like $200. So I had to quit. His fucked up genes are obviously in me with this bipolar crap. I HATE HIM! He picks the worst times to try to be a parent. He should have been trying to raise us when we were kids, not when we are adults with lives of our own. He had his chance and he missed out. I swear to God I will I could find a place to live and get away from him. I hate living in his house because it always costs me my sanity. I know my finances haven't been great. I intended to be good with the bills and not have to look for help. But things happen. William didn't get a job for a month when we got back. We didn't know American Printing wouldn't give him his job back. Then, after a month, we find out he is activated and will be going to Iraq. He has to take off work for 2 weeks AT and then whatever else they say. Work just goes on and lets him off duty. We went another month with no pay. See, Dad has no goodness in his heart. It is all about money, not about helping his kids. If he is worried about making up the difference between me and Amanda, then he should give her the land she wants free of chrage. But we all know it comes with a price, somewhere down the road. Amanda isn't the type to count it up. But if we are, then he owes her for her wedding too. The child support payments shouldn't have been considered her wedding money. He is so worried about his possessions he doesn't realilze the importance of other stuff. I know I get caught up in money stuff a lot, but it is because things have been so out of whack. I had so many smart comments and I kept going back and erasing them. I was going to tell him that a for sale sign really scared me since so many people drive by my house. If they did come, once they heard about ants and leaky toilets and moldy ceilings and rats, they wouldn't stay. And if he won't let an old trailer move he won't let this one. And no one wants a big mobile home on someone else's land. It isn't even his yet, it is still Karen's because he won't grow a set and do something about it. I will not cancel my trip to California. Obviously he has never known real love and how much it means just to see each other one more time before being separated for another 7-10 months. He is to wrapped up in himself to know what it means to love someone more than yourself and to need them to function on a daily basis. All he knows is sex. He had a lot of it outside his marriage bed, and that helped his marriage fall apart. It made me like him even less. I didn't know that was possible. I wish I could just move away. I wish it were easy for William to change his Reserve Center and we could just move the hell away from this place. Everyone keeps telling us that is really hard though. I really hope that the back pay is here before Friday. Otherwise Mom will have to use her food money for the rental care and we will all have to starve. I paid some bills today. I really do hate him. Really really really. I just put up with him for some reason. I guess because we live in his house and I have to. I despise moving, but if I could find a nice place, I would go in a heartbeat. The ants alone make we want out. Then add dad and it is enough to make anyone want to leave. I swear he is trying to scare me, and it won't work. It just makes me want to blow his damn head off and roll him down the hill. No one would miss him. They really wouldn't. Pizza Hut would have a 16 year old driver in his place in 2 days.
OK, I am really far over into the raging manic moods and I need to go calm myself. I bought some cigarettes yesterday. Good thing huh? A pack of Marlboro Lights is keeping my dad alive one more day. Anyone got any voodoo dolls? 
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