25 July 2004 * 08:43
My Mom is insane. She went to the O Club with her friend from work, Cathy. She met some Mexican guys there. Well, she goes to Florida with them. There were 3 with her on the trip but she was out with about 6 of them that night. Anyway, they were even going to get a hotel room together and stay for the weekend. They changed their minds though. How stupid can she be? Why would you go on a trip with 3 men you don't know? I don't care if she met them on a military base, or even if they are military. That doesn't make it safe. Anyone remember the murders at Ft. Bragg? Geez. My God, she had us in fear of even letting a stange man smile at us, and here she is going on trips with people she just met. Does she realize it makes her look like a whore? No wonder no one likes her there. She judges all of them who cheat on their husbands and stuff like that, and here she is going on trips with groups of men. I know what they are thinking she is like. God. She is such a freak sometimes. I know, I sound like Nana. But seriously, would you go on a trip with 3 men you met at a bar who hardly speak English and even offer to spend the night with them in a hotel?
Anyway, Nana keeps pressuring me to come to church with her. I went ONE SUNDAY and she thinks I am coming every Sunday now. I feel guilty because the kids like to go. Well, Kaylee does. Lauren cries through class and sleeps through the sermon. I feel so weird in church. When I go to Dilworth, I catch myself hating the people. I feel like I was there for so long and when I wanted to do stuff they wouldn't allow me to. Now Wesley Sneider is youth pastor. I sit and judge without even realizing it. I think, "I was better than him. I didn't do this or do that and he did. Why is he special?" That is soooooo wrong. Then I know people are looking at me and judging me too. That is the way it works there. Nana is a prime example. Every week we hear about how Brandy, Wesley's SIL, wear indecent clothes for church. We still hear, months after Wesley's wife Candace gave birth, she never wore maternity clothes. And you know everyone does it. That church is separated by class and money. All of them are really. You should have to wear uniforms to church too. I swear. And I think of everything I have been taught in my life. Then I compare that to what I have learned. I don't agree with most of it. You won't go to hell for swimming with boys. You won't go to hell for not always appearing to be the perfect Christian. People are NOT always watching you to see if you mess up. God doesn't punish you for stupid stuff like wearing pants or having your ears pierced or wearing makeup. It is truly ridiculous. And I don't know what I got from the Bible by reading it all the way through. I learned there was a lot of incest. I still have to go and read that stuff about homosexuality in the Bible that Monica gave me. I do remember reading verses about David and Jonathan and thinking it sounded kinda gay. But I passed it off. I will have to look more at what she sent me.
But I am just torn I guess. Sure, the Bible has some rules to follow that are decent rules. They aren't hard to follow really. But, so I really have to just follow those 10 rules, ask Jesus into my cold, dark heart, and I will go to Heaven? How do we know it isn't just a really good story book that made it rhough all these generations and cultures and translations? How do we know Christianity is the right religion. How can we judge those who are Muslim, Buddhist, Atheist, Wiccan. How do we know which is right?
But you know, I do believe there is a God. But I don't know if I believe it just because I believe it, or because I was sort of brainwashed into it. And yes, I do consider it brainwashing for some of us who were forced to go to church all of our lives and made to believe the way the other people did. I know, I sound like my Dad, but it is how I believe. I do like to believe that there is a place we go after we die that is wonderful and beautiful. I like to believe for those who have tortured and done awful things in their lives, there is a not so wonderful place. But I don't think I have to go to a building on certain days of the week with groups of people who share similar beliefs to get to that special place. I am not a bad person, and I don't think I will burn in the pits of hell for eternity because I stay home on Sunday. This makes my head hurt, LOL.
Well, I guess I will shut up about this junk. Too much to try to figure out.
Stephee
<< Earlier * Later >>
