09 July 2004 * 16:59
So I kept getting deeper and deeper into my depression and fear. I just sat around and fell apart. I watched Lauren climb up on her picnic table and start eating 2 day old Cheerios because she was hungry. I realized they were suffering because of my inability to deal with my emotions. I went outside and had a smoke and bawled. Then I kicked myself in the butt and got in the house and got busy. I washed all of my dishes. Yes, almost every dish I have was dirty. My entire kitchen was lined with towels and wet dishes. I threw away a bunch of junk, cleaned my floors, and fed my kids. By the time I was finished it was late. BUT, I was feeling better.
So, I got a shower really quick, because I was afraid I wouldn't hear the phone ring if William called. Then I rested. And sure enough, as Lauren dozed off he called. He said he only had 3 minutes on his card and a line of Marines behind him ready to call their families. He said that a bunch of them got drunk the 1st night, and that day they had PT and played basketball. No training yet. He also said that Cpl Lathers wanted him to be sure to check in on the 15th to see if we got our backpay, and if not he wants him to go to Sgt Go (Golightly is his name). Heck, I will be calling someone left over at the RC too. I am sick of this s-h-i-?. You know? So, we didn't have a very long talk, but I could tell he was fine and he made sure I was fine. I told him I kicked my own butt and was fine now. Then I called his Mom to let her know all was well.
Speaking of Mama T, she is handling it much better. She put it into words I wouldn't have for fear of being looked at like a freak...we went through a grieving process, just as if someone had died. Now that does sound bad, but it is true. I had to put away his things knowing he wouldn't be here for almost a year. I had to learn to go about my day without seeing the man I love. I am going to have to go for months without being touched or hugged or loved on by my husband. Without being told I look beautiful or sexy. Without someone to remind me of things I always forget. Without someone to help me when I am sick or when I am too tired. Without the father of my children. It is tough. And I really feared for his life. But now I am feeling OK. I think he will be fine. There is so much prayer going up for him and so many people who have offered their help if we need it...things will be just fine. I just had to go through all the motions I guess. I suppose it is really hard for all families the first time.
I got up this morning and unloaded boxes Mom and Amanda brought back from her house. I put everything away and cleaned the play room. Sorta, LOL. I straightened it. I don't work too hard on it...it would be pointless. I put the dishes away and I have fed us all today. I even cooked the fajitas, LOL. They made me sick as a dog, but we had food. All I need to do now is laundry. I hate it for some reason.
Oh, I did the litter box too. No cat litter to refill it either. I hope they still use it. They only have about 2 days worth of food too. They will have to eat some people food until next week. Amanda bought me a pack of tissue today. Thanks goodness :) We have no meat left in the house, so we will have to be vegetarians for a while. We have a few slices of bread and about 1 cup of peanut butter. Plenty of chips and buns left from the party. Sodas too. I have a family sized shells and cheese, some cereal, and some milk and some rice. We will have something to eat until next week too. Nothing especially good, but something, LOL.
If the backpay doesn't come I don't know what will happen. I owe last month's car payment and phone. Rent was due the 1st, power is due. Water the 20th, car the 18th. AGH! IT NEVER ENDS! LOL!!! I will be fine. I am just worried. And my tummy is paying for it. I now know the meaning of the phrase "the screaming shits." LOL.
Stephee
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