07 July 2004 * 19:59
Yep, I feel blah. I haven't done anything today. I am fighting depression. And intense fear. My laundry sits in the laundry room. There is a pile of clean clothes folded up in the basket, a load in the dryer and a load in the washer. I should be washing my clothes for in the morning. Stef is coming to get me and we are going to the Health Department together. Depo time. Her appointment is 30 minutes after mine and she is having her yearly exam, but I get to go in a car with air conditioning. Although, I have to pull the car seats in and out. Eh, who cares, right?
I got up this morning with it in my head that I would suck it up and go on and start living somewhat normally. Until I found a letter William left me:
Hey Baby!
Right now I’m “looking” for my rifle cleaning gear. I just wanted too tell you I LOVE YOU.
I worry that when I get back I’ll have changed too much for you to care anymore. I know I’ll never be the same again. I don’t want people to think less of me for what I’m about to do. I just wanted to help all of the Kaylee’s and Lauren’s of the world so they have the same opportunity as our girls. This is the only way I know to do that. People say freedom isn’t free. I say if it’s not worth fighting for it’s not worth having. When I get back I want us to find a church. Lord knows I need to go. Tell Manda and Chris that I hope all goes well with their little one. I hope Manda doesn’t have too much trouble with delivery, the same for Jen and Nick of course. I know my handwriting sucks I can’t help it. Kiss and hug my babies for me every night and don’t let them forget me. I just wanted you to know I LOVE YOU.
I’ll see you soon.
I Love You
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
So the day started with tears. I suck, I know. I have cried a couple of times today. I try not to. But I can't help fearing that he won't come back. Everyone says he will be fine and he will come back, but no one knows that. I don't want the last time I saw him to be when he got on that stupid bus...crying and wishing he didn't have to go. Wow, how do the active duty wives do it all the time? I guess they adapt and overcome as William likes to say. It is just hard b/c it is our first deployment. I suck so bad.
I have had 2 wrong numbers on his special line today. I run and eagerly answer the phone and just get disappointed. Stupid wrong numbers. LOL.
And, I am cramping like all get out too. And I have another heat rash. Can't wait for gastric bypass. Tricare pays for it if you are 100 pounds overweight with 1 medical condition like high cholesterol or diabetes or breathing problems, OR if you are 200% or more over your ideal body weight. I am over the 200%. WOOHOO. FREE SURGERY! ROFL. I just have to find someone to give me a hand with the kids when the time comes.
Oh, something I have been thinking about. All these people who tell me if I need anything to call them. Nick, Jen's hubby, told me any night I wanted a meal to come on over, they cook every night. I said I would probably live on diet dinners, and he said that was what he meant and laughed. Now I know all these people care for me. I know he means it. But they should also know I wouldn't be dragging myself over there to eat their food, especially with her pregnant and tired. No one wants the whining litle cry baby coming over to be depressed at their house. I know, I will adapt and overcome, LOL.
So, that is all my crap for the moment. I am sleepy and thirsty. Better run.
Stephee
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