27 June 2004 * 11:48
I have no idea why we aren't floating down the river by now. It seems like the rain hasn't stopped in a week. Yeah, it stops for a while here and there, but it has really been a solid week of rain. Now, I like rain. I love the smell of it and the sound of it, but it makes me so darn sleepy. I have been a blob the past few days. I am just so tired I want to stay in bed all day. I'm sure it is more than the rain though. It is time for my shot, and I am feeling sick and stuff. Or I am having sympathy sickness for Amanda. We'll just go with that one, LOL.
We went to Wal-Mart this morning. We got there before 9 am. The kids got to ride in one of the special buggies. Well, Kaylee did. Lauren insisted on being carried around by William. We got a few things and went to the Radio Grill for some breakfast. By the time we got home, me and William were sick to our stomachs. I still feel bad. Luckily, the kids ate Doritos, LOL. Some breakfast huh? Doritos and Dr. Pepper and cinnamon rolls. Actually, DP, Doritos, and Reeses Cups sound good. Yup, I am PMSing, hahaha.
The Tedford's are trying their best to make us let them spray inside our house for bugs. The stuff they use, you have to leave the house for a couple of days. His Mom was under the impression William could just stay somewhere in Bessemer and me and the girls could stay with Nana. What about my cats? Geez. I do not want something in my house that you have to leave for days to use. William told them no and they kept insisting. His Mom tried to con him into coming to church. She said she would be the girls' Sunday School teacher. I said I thought it was her way of trying to see the kids without coming here. He agreed. Obviously his Dad needs an excuse to come, other than just wanting to see the kids. But they will have to suck it up and come over here. I WILL NOT be going over there anymore. I get tired of having to haul them around to visit everyone, when it is easier for people to come here and visit and leave. They don't have to pack diapers, toys, snacks, sippie cups, and extra drinks, and extra pacifiers....come on people, THINK! I just feel crappy and I am fussing I guess. But Kaylee still talks about Papa throwing her down. His Mom said she had never seen him so genuinely sorry for something before. Tough shit, too late. She remembers it, and it bothers her.
OH, I have a funny story. Kaylee is suddenly aware of body parts and nudity. She cannot stand for William to be without a shirt. She tells him to cover up his little boobies. Well, he was naked (he had just had a shower) and Kaylee told him he needed to cover that up, pointing to his penis. Then last night she was sitting on him while he was laying down, and she accidentally put her hand in that area and felt it, and she told him she didn't like that. LOL! It is so funny. And William just asked me who I was telling this to. He said now he looks like the world's next child molester. I told him this stuff is normal. All kids go through a discovery phase. Actually, I am glad she thinks it is gross. It makes me feel better.
We were filling up the car, and the gas station we use is right next to a place that sells headstone. So I asked William when he got in what kind of headstone we wanted. He said he didn't care. I said I had to think about this stuff just in case. He assured me he wouldn't knock on his coffin and say he wanted a different color if he didn't like it, LOL. Hey, it is terribly depressing and sickening to think about, but I am in a position where I am forced to think about it all. I mean really, he is going to war. I have to be preapred. No, he won't care about this stuff in the afterlife, but I want him to be remembered however he wants to be, should the worst happen.
You know, I am a pretty depressed, miserable kind of person. I always have been. But this crap has me all messed up. Everyone keeps saying he will come back, he will be fine. Even he says it. But I know they all say it and think it when they leave. No one leaves telling their families they won't come back alive. Seriously. I don't think my crazy pills would make a difference. Unless I have a really high dosage, ROFLMBO! So, does anyone know how you stop letting yourself imagine the worst case scenario? How do you stop thinking of what to tell the girls if he is KIA? How do I stop thinking of what I will do if it happens? How do I stop wondering and imagining? How do I stop being a worried, scared wife and mother? How do all these other people do it all the time? Especially with all these people being kidnapped and beheaded. When will it end?
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